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When I Find Myself Wanting

I always find myself wanting to be that person I see on social media.

You know, the girl on top of the mountain who's all put together, adventure at her fingertips, no love handles in sight.

Or the one lying on the beach with the perfect tan and thighs, swim suit picked out somewhere on pinterest, flawless beauty in the midst of salty, sandy relaxation.

Well, news flash self, you are not that girl. No, duh.

The Babe and I have had some recent events sneak into our lives that have caught us slightly off guard. Nothing terrible, just life altering. One moment you have a plan and the next, you're scrambling to put the pieces together, trying your best to remember that mantra you saw on pinterest, "Be in love with your life. Every detail of it." That's when you snort at your reflection in the mirror and say, "Well, I guess I'll try again tomorrow."

These recent events have left my dream board (yes, I have one, and you should, too. . . .) sitting on the dresser in my closet, wanting for eyes to behold and visualize better days to come, dreams still too far out of reach to become more possible.

But, that dream board, the girl I want to be, careless on top of a mountain, it's not as important as this. I know that, my subconscious knows that. Heck, I'm pretty sure even my dog knows that.

But with the Georgia heat blazing down on me and the constant worry about what will happen next and who and how and why and when . . . it all takes the trump.

This is the moment I've felt like more of an adult than ever before. Which, every little girl dreams of. We all play dress up and grab mom's old purse. As teenagers we scream that we want nothing more than to be in charge of our own lives and to be independent.

Well, today I am saying that I am ready to take off my big girl pants and throw 'em in the trash. Give me that dollhouse again. Back when things were easier and you went to Disneyland without worrying how much you've spent or how much sunscreen you put on.

But, even still, I will put the big girl pants back on, rejoice in my love handles next time I look in the mirror, put my hair in the usual bun and say that mantra, "Be in love with your life. Every detail of it." Yup. Every messy, zitty, sweaty, ramen noodle dinner, messy detail of it. Because It's my life. It's the only one I get. And, even though things don't work out how I plan them (Let's face it, we make a plan and God says, 'nice try.' and changes everything.) and I may not be standing on top of an actual mountain (no mountains in sight, just trees, trees, trees . . .), my personal mountains are just as beautiful. The things I want in life might be on the back burner, but they are still important. I may not look the way I want, but I am still beautiful. I might have only cooked dinner twice in the last two months, but I have a husband who still loves and adores me. We may make plans, they may change, we may get premature wrinkles from worrying so much even though God says 'It'll all work out.'

So, I'm going to love my life. Every messy and beautiful detail of it. Because I have what I need to live plus some. I am loved. I am free. I know God loves me. And that is all I need.

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