It's amazing how as humans we can get so attached to one thing or one person so much so that when they are gone we realize we aren't even sure we recognize ourselves without them.
The Babe surprised me with a gift the night before he left.
Some chocolate to make me feel better and a bear to snuggle with at night. 😍
On Saturday morning, after getting only three hours of sleep (Thank you Baby G), I woke up early to drive The Babe to the airport. He was headed to COT (commissioned officer training) in Alabama for the AF. We woke up late because I had turned off my alarms in my sleep (thank you mother for waking us) and we were stressed and frazzled getting on the road. Once we were driving, we sat there in silence, tired, watching the sky get lighter and holding hands as neither of us really knew what to say. I wasn't ready to say goodbye yet and I found myself holding the words in because if I didn't the tears would flow.
An embarrassing picture I took of our tires and weary selves at the airport:
We pulled up to the drop off zone and I got out of the car to help The Babe gather his luggage and was trying not to get choked up. But he put his things down and cupped my face in his hands and looked at me with those teary hazel eyes and expressed how much he'd miss me. My heart sank and there was no stopping it then. I tried to keep myself together as much as possible, wanting to be strong for him. Wanting to show him I was okay and that I would be fine without him. I wanted him to feel supported and to not be worried about me so that he could focus on his coming journey through COT.
He held me as I cried for a moment and breathed him in. I wasn't prepared for this. I had let myself think of everything else but this moment, subconsciously avoiding the inevitable. We realized we couldn't linger anymore as others needed the curbside to drop off their loved ones and he needed to catch his flight before it went off to become a soldier without him.
He cupped my face one more time and kissed me. I whispered, "Go make me proud, Babe." He smiled at me and kissed me on the forehead and said, "I'll see you soon." He then grabbed his luggage and watched me get in the car. I snagged this picture of him on his way out (thank you Snapchat).
I put my phone away, started the car and when I looked up, he was gone, already inside the airport, out of my sight and on the way to becoming a better man than he already is (he's amazing by the way).
As I drove home of course it was like a movie where every radio station played some sad song. Like this:
🎶 "All by myself ..." -click- "So you can keep me inside the pocket of your ripped jeans" ... "I just wanna keep calling your name until you come back home" 🎶... and so on
I eventually gave into Zane and Taylor Swift and sang the whole way home, surprisingly almost tearless - I knew I had to keep it together so I could drive and I was starving so I didn't want to pull over.
I smiled at the rising sun, it was gorgeous and made me feel better for a few seconds.
When I made it home I cried for a moment in the car and then made my way in the house where my selfless mother had taken good care of Baby G so I could be with The Babe. I snuggled up to him with one arm and the teddy The Babe gave me with the other on our big bed that seemed too big for just me.
I lay there trying to sleep, my head spinning with all these things I still have to get done and how I felt stupid for being this upset when I know his boots are stateside and safe. How lucky am I that my husband isn't at BMT or war or somewhere I'm not allowed to know. How blessed I am that he is only gone for a month, that he is in the US and not some foreign country, and that I would have contact with him again soon. There are so many others out there that have it worse. But I allowed myself to be sad recalling the advice of someone much wiser than I who reminded me that even though I have it better than others that I am okay to realize that the things I am going through are hard too.
I couldn't sleep and found myself attached to the COT Facebook group the rest of the day. Getting to know other spouses and knowing their loved ones were about to encounter the same hardships made me feel less alone and more at peace.
Later than evening my church had a worldwide broadcast where some of our leaders addressed us as women in our religion. I prayed to feel the spirit at the conference. Even though no one sentence struck me with fervent gusto, I felt an overwhelming blanket of peace knowing that we are on the right path, that God is mindful of my little family, that The Babe is where he is supposed to be, and that we are going to only grow in this experience.
I went to bed feeling more at peace and thankful that I have a Heavenly Father who is always mindful of my needs and would help The Babe and I through this next month.
My husband is my superhero. He is constantly looking for ways to brighten my day, to help out with the housework or the baby, to provide for our family financially, to help me accomplish my dreams, being an example of the believers, being a friend to others, and helping me find ways to help us grow together in all facets of life. He is going to be an amazing leader and I cannot wait to see the kind of man he becomes through it all.
I love you, Babe! Best of luck at COT this month! You will be amazing! 💋